Thirteen.
"Yes. Uh huh. Oh, really? I'll be over there tonight. Thanks."
Mom abruptly hangs up the phone, huffing angrily. I wonder who she was talking to? She paces the kitchen, balled-up fists, battling ideas inside her mind. I can tell she is close to having another break-down. But suddenly, an epiphany--her eyes light up as she turns to face me.
Her voice is sugar-coated, expression equally sweet. 'Don't strain yourself,' I thought.
"Let's go to daddy's house tomorrow. We'll spend the night, won't that be fun!"
"But mom, Principal said I've missed too much school already."
The sickeningly sweet expression now instantly turns cold. She grabs me by the sweater and pulls my face toward hers. I can see a craze, a desperation, in her eyes.
"DON'T YOU LOVE ME? DON'T YOU WANT MOMMY TO BE HAPPY? YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD, DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF! WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE IF I SHRIVELED UP AND DIED, WOULD YOU? HUH? TOO SELF-ABSORBED! WELL, GUESS WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, EITHER!!"
She lets go, slumps down in the chair beside me, and sobs, hands in her face.
I have become pretty good at forcing the tears back. But my heart hurts. I can't breathe. My face is burning up.
"I'm going for a walk," was all I could say in response. I pull on my jacket, then my shoes, ready to make my escape.
"Wait..."
Sighing, I turn around. She walks toward me, tears still streaming down her face as she pulls me into a hug. Unsure, I leave my hands limp at my side. "I didn't mean that, I was just angry. You know I love you, honey, right? Please..." She hiccups. "Just go with me tomorrow, I need you. It's the last time I'll make you miss school, okay? Promise."
"Okay. If it means that much to you, okay." I was already falling behind, what was one more day? I didn't care anymore.
I pulled myself away and left the house, enduring yet another long and painful walk. Now I would let the tears flow.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Saturday, April 7, 2007
After-School Alarm
Eleven.
"I'm here to pick you up. Let's go...for a walk."
She practically dragged me off the school grounds. It was clear I had no choice, as well as no idea what was going on. She didn't say a word the whole time. We walked for nearly 20 minutes, passing building after building, until we finally stopped. I looked up to find that we were standing in front of the police station.
"Why are we at the police station?"
"I was told to bring you here. Go inside."
Auntie shoved me through the door. It was a small police station. There was a small desk near the door which was currently being occupied by one lone officer. There were stacks of papers everywhere. To his left, towards the back of the station, two cells--one empty, one not. The person in the cell was hunched over and crying.
"Ah, you must be Kim. I've been expecting you," said the officer.
He gestured for me to take the seat in front of him. Hesitant, I sat on the edge of the chair. Auntie sat in the only other chair, toward the back of the station.
"I'm afraid we have a little problem and only you can help us. Do you recognize her?"
I got up and walked toward the back of the station toward the woman sitting in the cell. She was still hunched over and crying. When she heard me walking toward her, she tried to hide her face. Even Auntie started to look uncomfortable. As I got closer, a dreaded feeling came over me. I knew who it was. Mother!
"We need you to call your dad and talk to him for me, okay? Your mom can't go home until he comes to get her and the only way he'll do that is if he knows that you're here, too. I'm sorry."
He waited patiently for me to respond. I looked up at him and abruptly lowered my eyes back downward when I realized he had been watching me, pity in his eyes. I could feel the hot tears threatening to form and trickle.
"What did she do? Is she in trouble?"
"Not too bad. She can go home tonight as long as your dad is willing to come right away."
"What about me?"
"It would be a good idea if you stay here until you and your mom can go home together."
I called father and told him that mother and I were at the police station. He agreed to come get us as soon as he was off from work, but I could tell that things were not going to go well. Auntie left to go home once she found out that father was coming to get us. The officer and I waited for nearly two hours until, finally, father arrived at the station. He gave me a half-hearted hug but didn't look at mother. He shook the officer's hand and they began a long discussion about mother--mostly about her problems and what needed to be done to prevent future arrests. We got in the car to go home.
"I can't believe you dragged her into this. She's only eleven!"
"If she hadn't been there with me, you would have left me there to rot!"
"And that would have served you right. You and your stupidity."
Mother started to cry again. Father let out an angry sigh and we rode the rest of the way home in silence. I sat there wondering what the real reason was that I was even born.
"I'm here to pick you up. Let's go...for a walk."
She practically dragged me off the school grounds. It was clear I had no choice, as well as no idea what was going on. She didn't say a word the whole time. We walked for nearly 20 minutes, passing building after building, until we finally stopped. I looked up to find that we were standing in front of the police station.
"Why are we at the police station?"
"I was told to bring you here. Go inside."
Auntie shoved me through the door. It was a small police station. There was a small desk near the door which was currently being occupied by one lone officer. There were stacks of papers everywhere. To his left, towards the back of the station, two cells--one empty, one not. The person in the cell was hunched over and crying.
"Ah, you must be Kim. I've been expecting you," said the officer.
He gestured for me to take the seat in front of him. Hesitant, I sat on the edge of the chair. Auntie sat in the only other chair, toward the back of the station.
"I'm afraid we have a little problem and only you can help us. Do you recognize her?"
I got up and walked toward the back of the station toward the woman sitting in the cell. She was still hunched over and crying. When she heard me walking toward her, she tried to hide her face. Even Auntie started to look uncomfortable. As I got closer, a dreaded feeling came over me. I knew who it was. Mother!
"We need you to call your dad and talk to him for me, okay? Your mom can't go home until he comes to get her and the only way he'll do that is if he knows that you're here, too. I'm sorry."
He waited patiently for me to respond. I looked up at him and abruptly lowered my eyes back downward when I realized he had been watching me, pity in his eyes. I could feel the hot tears threatening to form and trickle.
"What did she do? Is she in trouble?"
"Not too bad. She can go home tonight as long as your dad is willing to come right away."
"What about me?"
"It would be a good idea if you stay here until you and your mom can go home together."
I called father and told him that mother and I were at the police station. He agreed to come get us as soon as he was off from work, but I could tell that things were not going to go well. Auntie left to go home once she found out that father was coming to get us. The officer and I waited for nearly two hours until, finally, father arrived at the station. He gave me a half-hearted hug but didn't look at mother. He shook the officer's hand and they began a long discussion about mother--mostly about her problems and what needed to be done to prevent future arrests. We got in the car to go home.
"I can't believe you dragged her into this. She's only eleven!"
"If she hadn't been there with me, you would have left me there to rot!"
"And that would have served you right. You and your stupidity."
Mother started to cry again. Father let out an angry sigh and we rode the rest of the way home in silence. I sat there wondering what the real reason was that I was even born.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
My First Memory
Three.
I was terrified. I ran through the house searching, room by room, but it was evident that I was utterly alone. The door was even bolted from the outside so I couldn't get out. I ran up and screamed as loud as I could through the double-pane windows, hoping someone would hear me from outside but nobody came to my rescue. Defeated, I sat slumped over in the middle of the living room floor. All I could do was cry.
My parents had deserted me.
I was terrified. I ran through the house searching, room by room, but it was evident that I was utterly alone. The door was even bolted from the outside so I couldn't get out. I ran up and screamed as loud as I could through the double-pane windows, hoping someone would hear me from outside but nobody came to my rescue. Defeated, I sat slumped over in the middle of the living room floor. All I could do was cry.
My parents had deserted me.
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